I’m going to use the words sad, not depressed, not anxious! Just plain, old sad. I have no reason to feel sad; I have a beautiful, loving family, a great life with mountains of gorgeous friends, so why am I feeling anxious?
It’s a strange emotion for me, as I live my life to its fullest with a glass half full mentality. Never to complain (too much anyway) about life, about others or my issues. Sure I get impatient when I wait forever at the doctor’s surgery, who doesn’t? Or I get irritated when someone pushes inline (my biggest pet hate by the way). But never truly, whole heartily sad. The type that keeps you from getting up in the morning or wanting to leave the house and immobilises you into this urge to want to do nothing more than sleep most of the day away.
For those who know me best, I am never in one place for too long as I have itchy feet and an urge to see the world. I am never one to sit at home either as I don’t want to waste a day because life is short, and life is for the living. I should be out there living my best life right now, but instead, my body, my soul and my mind want to stay at home and dwell in this sad state.
Pain is a funny thing (well not really, but you know what I mean), who knows how high your pain threshold is until it’s tested day after day, night after night. My mood swings right now are out of control; all I can think of is the pain and how it knocks me around and although I know there is no reason to feel sad; my thoughts and emotions don’t seem to always go hand in hand.
I’m tired all the time, putting a load of washing on is exhausting and frustrating. Standing on my feet long enough to cook a meal has me in internal tears. It takes everything I have in me to smile at the moment, and all of the self-help, motivating words just won’t cut it right now.
Keeping tears from showing up each day is an eternal battle. What makes this worse is the guilt I have for feeling this way. I know that there are many other people in a worse position than I am. Sure my pain right now is constant, but it won’t be forever, and I know this deep down, but my judgement isn’t rational at the minute.
It’s tough to be supportive of others when I can’t even be supportive of myself. This feeling feels like it will never go away(I know it will, but I do like to dramatise on occasions), and that my life is flying by without me in it. Between the pain, lack of sleep and frustration of not being able to go anywhere has got me feeling self-absorbed! Something I haven’t felt the luxury of since I was without children.
I had hoped by now I was up and about (perhaps not hiking the Camino) but at least walking like an average person. So here I am getting through feeling sad one day at a time, opening up and being vulnerable to let others know that it’s okay to be sad sometimes.
Life isn’t always about positive affirmations and sprinting out of bed, and living life to it’s fullest. Sometimes we need to be sad to heal correctly; sometimes, we need to be open with our feelings and our thoughts and allow ourselves to realise that being human means having real emotions. Whether you are missing home, feeling a little culture shock or lost without your family, we all have our reasons for feeling sad, and that is okay.
Life is full of challenges, and for whatever reason, you may have hit this hurdle too right now, you should know that plenty of us are also feeling sad and for no particular reason at all. Know that sometimes you don’t even have to have a reason to feel this way, it may just be life right now that makes you sad.
For some, opening up is the hardest thing to do, and asking for help is not in their vocabulary. I know this because I am that person, I would rather struggle on my own then ask for help (FROM ANYONE), but I have decided to step out of my comfort zone and discuss my real struggles and my real feelings right now.
I am not here to give you all my 2020 goals, I am here to tell you that 2020 will get better, but first, we need to get through this struggle the best way we know-how and that is one day at a time.